I’ve been trying to pull myself out of a fog I’ve been in for a year, maybe more — writing has helped so much. It’s because I stopped writing that I went into this funk.. or the funk came because I stopped writing, I haven’t sat with myself long enough to figure out which.
There’s a part of me that just wants to believe my brain has changed as I enter my mid-40s. I don’t remember things. Things that didn’t bother me before send me into a tizzy, when I considered myself an easy going mom, wife, friend. Just a person. Is it me who’s changing? Or was it just Trump and all that political horror of these past few years that just have me .. where?
But.. I visited Travel in Ma today, and for all my trying to dramatize and obsess over what’s missing in my personality, who I am, who I was (mid-life crisis??), I see what peace has serenely blanketed itself over different parts of my life.
- I genuinely care for my husband more.. I know I had harbored things over the years… and now, I just don’t see them. Or, I know what they were, but I don’t care. I really don’t care..
- I accept where my children are going, as long as they’re happy. My eldest son is finding his way. Before, it would have been death for me for him not to follow “the plan.” All I care about is the who decides he wants to define himself as, if he is at peace with himself, and what I can do to help him be there. .. which is just a peaceful, calm parent who supports and loves, no matter what. Anything else.. I really don’t care.
- I’m okay with my weight. All my life, I’ve had to outsource my battle with pounds. I want to get in this dress for this thing.. I want to look this way, like I saw this person.. Now, I just want to be healthy. I’ve been changing my lifestyle for over a year now, with diet and exercise. I feel strong … and solid. The rest, I really don’t care…
.. that’s all I can think about for right now.
Because the rest depends on whether or not I get enough sleep for tomorrow. First day back after Spring Break.
I guess I can add:
- I am more realistic about stuff. I know my limits and can now speak for myself. When I say no, it’s no. The rest.. will be okay.